Travel Diary: Day Two--GOTCHA DAY!!!

Gotcha Day dawned....way before dawn.  We napped late on Sunday and then couldn't go to sleep on Monday night, and true to American-person-in-China style, we were up around 3:30 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep.  I knew that the day would be long and emotional, but even that couldn't convince my body to relax and go back to sleep!  Finally, we left for breakfast around 6:30.  We got tickled when we saw that another American family was coming out of breakfast as we went in.  We all have messed up sleep patterns right now!

After breakfast, we came back to the room to get the backpack/diaper bag ready for the day.  We met with our guide, Aron, at 9:30 in the lobby to prepare our paperwork.  We made copies of passports and paperwork in the business center first, because some of our paperwork had to be copied onto A4 sized paper for China.  We then went upstairs to the "Carousel," got our itinerary for the trip, and rearranged all of the paperwork that we had brought with us to be ready for all of our upcoming appointments.  After that, Aron walked us to Aeon for some baby shopping!  We got bottles, bottle brushes, diapers, formula, rice cereal, and some Chinese snacks--rice cookies, rice crackers, and hawthorn cookies for Judy Lin and animal crackers and strawberry marshmallows for Kinley.  We came back to the hotel and made plans to meet Aron again at 2:00.  

Zeke, Kinley, and I went to the restaurant downstairs for lunch.  We decided to order from the menu so that we could get some Western food on our nervous stomachs.  We ate (cheeseburger for Zeke, chicken wings for Kinley, and Pad Thai for Lisa), and then I attempted to ask for the check.  I said "Check please," and the girl asked me to repeat it.  I did and she said, "Oohhh," followed by a Chinese phrase.  I nodded, and she left.  She returned a moment later with a latte.  Not a check, but it was the best coffee to date in China, so it was ok with me!

We met Aron and the other Lifeline family that we are traveling with in the lobby and we all nervously climbed into the van.  We drove for about 15 minutes, but it was quite a scary ride!  Apparently China saves money on road construction by not having merge lanes.  And Zeke swears we drove for 15 minutes and were five blocks from our hotel!  Lots of u-turns and bicycle dodging was involved in the trip.  When we arrived, Aron told us that we would get out of the van and take a quick shortcut to the Civil Affairs building.  We walked through some back alleys and suddenly we were there!

Aron had warned us that when we got there, things would move abruptly and quickly, and she was right.  We walked into a room that I had seen only in pictures.  There were already several families there and several sweet babies in various stages of meltdowns.  There was a curtained room to the left where the babies and nannies waited for their families to be announced.  We were led to a place on a purple couch and went over some paperwork.  Finally, Aron motioned to us that it was our turn.  We walked just outside the curtained room, saw some movement, and then suddenly there was the face that we had, to that point, only seen in pictures.  She was in the arms of the Orphanage Director from Suixi, where she had stayed for her first four months of life.  He didn't seem to ready to give her up, so I awkwardly finally reached in and took her from him.  She came to me willingly and quietly, without crying at all.  She studied my face and looked back and forth from me to her nannies, who had by that point come closer, and then to Zeke and Kinley, and back to the nannies.  Believe it or not, I was too overwhelmed to even cry.  It was such a strange, beautiful moment and it seemed that time almost stood still.

We were finally asked to snap out of the fog and move back to the couch so that other families could get their babies, and we sat down and found some toys for her.  Finally, she gave us the big grin that we had seen in those pictures!  We signed some more paperwork and were able to talk with Peggy, the Foster Center Director, and the nannies who traveled with her to bring Judy Lin to us.  It was so obvious that they loved her.  They were sure to tell us about her "witching hour" from 6-7--that she would get fussy, but that it would go away.  They told us how she liked her bottles, her daily schedule, and what she liked to eat.  They gave us precious gifts for her--a baby book (in Chinese!) that they had kept for her, a photo book that they had made of her sweet pictures from the Foster Center, a letter from Peggy, and a card from one of her nannies that I can't wait to have translated.  We were also given a flash drive with pictures of her time at the Foster Center--from the tiny, frail baby who arrived to the smiling, growing girl that they delivered to us.  It was so very obvious that she was loved by these ladies who stood in the gap until God brought her to us and we will forever be grateful to them for all that they did for our sweet girl.  We gave them gifts too--Beehive Bath House lotions from Iris Jane and English Toffee from Morgan Price candy.  Then we all took pictures together, and it was time to leave.  Her sweet nannies came to her and took final pictures of her and kissed and hugged her--all while she was in my arms, they never offered to take her back--and both of  them started to cry.  I hugged them and thanked them over and over, but I don't know if they'll ever know how grateful I really am.

We walked back out to the elevator and back outside the building.  It seemed crazy that what we have been waiting and wishing for was already over, and she was in our arms.  We walked back through the alley and back to the van, and on the streets my heart started praising God for the very real little girl in my arms.  She was quiet and content, just looking around and taking it all in.

When we got back to the hotel, we went upstairs to a playroom to finish filling out some paperwork.
When we were finished, we came back our room and took some time to just watch her.  She loved playing with her toys!  She seemed so content and happy--there was none of the crying that we had prepared ourselves for.  We held her and loved her and played and fed her some puffs--thank goodness for those--and let her look outside.  She had not napped all day, so we ordered room service and I started undressing her for bath time around 6 p.m.  She did not smell bad, just different, and although I know there are lots of great organic things out there for babies, I had planned ahead and brought some pink and yellow Johnson and Johnson's.  I used that with all three of my bio babies and wanted her to smell like mine.  She LOVED her bath!  I was afraid that she would be scared but she played with her toys and didn't whimper or fuss at all.  I held out her pajamas and let her choose which ones she wanted, and since she's definitely mine, she chose the polka dots.  I fixed her bottle, snuggled in with her warm, yummy-smelling, footie pajama-clad body, and right after she took her bottle, she was sound asleep.  Picking out parents is hard work!

We were all exhausted, so I laid down with Kinley just to hang out with her, and within a few seconds, we were both asleep.  Zeke crashed on the couch but managed to wake up long enough to sign for room service, then woke me up.  We made it through a cheeseburger and fries, and then crashed again.  Kinley couldn't even wake up for dinner!

Even looking back on it three days later, it was a crazy day.  Our emotions were all over the place--we were nervous, excited, scared, overwhelmed, ecstatic, and overjoyed.  Things somehow happened in slow motion and all at once at exactly the same time.  We had looked forward for so long to kissing those sweet cheeks and loving on that squishy little girl, and having those dreams fulfilled was a feeling we won't soon forget.  I don't think we realized how exhausting it would be to scrutinize every little move she made, trying to determine what her health was really like, or how we would stare at her as though if we looked hard enough, we could see her future.  What I do know is that these moments were planned for us since before the beginning of time, and that she--and we--are right where we are supposed to be.  Welcome home, baby girl.  You are ours, and we are yours...we love you already, and we'll love you forever.

Travel Diary: Day One

I woke up around 9 this morning and my first thought was, breakfast ends at 10:30.  I've heard a lot about this breakfast buffet at The Garden!  I woke Kinley and Zeke up and we threw on some clothes and headed downstairs.  We were a little adventurous in our food choices--I had rice and fried noodles, and Zeke had some beef bacon--but mostly stuck to our American standbys, like toast and jelly and fried eggs.  We walked across the street to visit Starbucks before we came back to the room.

The first week of adoption trips to China is spent in the child's province, and the second is spent in Guangdong Province where the US Consulate that handles adoptions is located.  Some families are in one province until Friday, and then travel here, but because Judy Lin is from this province, we get to stay here the entire two weeks!  That means that we have a definite advantage, not only in staying in this gorgeous hotel for two weeks, but also in unpacking and making ourselves at home!  We were able to completely unpack, rearrange our furniture, get gifts together, and get everything organized for our stay without having to worry about repacking in a few days.  It was nice to feel settled in!

We decided to check out the rest of the hotel, then go out for lunch. Our initial plan was to come right back after lunch and rest some, and then get out later for grocery shopping and dinner.  However, when we got out, we just decided to keep going!

We walked through our hotel and checked out the pool, the rooftop views, the restaurants, and the flower shop.  It really is beautiful here.  We changed some money and headed out for lunch.

We found McDonald's and decided on some quick comfort food.  After we ate, we walked into the 7-11 and through a little mall that is connected to McDonald's.  It was interesting to see what products were the same as those we have at home and which ones were very different!  Then we searched for a grocery store without finding it, so we changed directions and went to another one.  We walked through the department store first, and then found the floor with the grocery store.  That was interesting!  We picked up a few Chinese snacks to try, but we also grabbed Snickers and Coke.  The exchange rate worked in our favor--we got quite a bit of food for less than $20!  We also went up to the toy floor and got a sweet little bunny that we had heard was a must--it lights up and plays Chinese music and Chinese nursery rhymes.  Hopefully, if our sweet girl is upset tomorrow, she might like to hear her language and see the lights.  We actually took the wrong escalator out of the hotel, but we found Wal-Mart and another Starbucks on the backside, so it wasn't a total loss!

At that point we were hot and getting tired, so we walked back to our hotel.  We decided to shower, try to stay awake and just rest, and order room service for dinner.  However, after the shower, we could barely keep our eyes open!  We tried our best, but I finally set an alarm and caved.  About an hour and a half later, Zeke woke me up, but I swear my arms and legs wouldn't move.  I was mostly awake, but I couldn't make myself get up for anything.  Jet lag is a real thing!  We ordered our food and ate, and now it's time for bed again!

Random things we noticed while we were out today:

• We were the ONLY people wearing sunglasses on a very sunny day.
• We were the ONLY people wearing short-sleeved shirts.  It was 70 degrees.  Most people had on jackets, sweatshirts, or coats. ?????
• All of the sweet little babies we saw had on so many layers!  They were puffy.  It was cute but I thought they had to be hot!
• Kids are kids, regardless of where they are or what language they speak.  I'm pretty sure we saw a Chinese version of Camp today :)

Tomorrow is our Gotcha Day!  The diaper bag is packed and the crib is ready!  We will meet our guide and another family in the lobby at 9:30 to go over paperwork, and we leave for the civil affairs office at 2:00.  I can't wait to hold my baby girl.  It seems unreal that tomorrow night, we will have our second daughter in this room.  Although she has been ours in our hearts since we said yes, she is officially spending her last night as an orphan tonight.  It will be the last time she will lay her head down without a mommy and daddy to comfort her if she cries.  Tomorrow, finally, I will get to kiss those sweet cheeks and tell her I love her.  We have prayed all day that she will feel at home with us and that her little heart will be open to receive our love.  I can't wait!

Travel Diary: Travel Day!

Travel Day started out super early in the morning!  We planned for a 4:15 a.m. departure from our house, on the Papa Bus, to Huntsville International Airport.  If you know us well, you know that means we left at about 4:30.  We had three big suitcases and each had our backpacks as carryons.  Somehow, we (think that we) fit everything we need for four people and two weeks in China in those!    Sweet Papa dropped us off, then parked while we got our boarding passes and checked our luggage.  The sweet Delta lady had trouble printing our boarding passes because of the infant notes for our return trip, and when we explained why we didn't have the infant with us yet, she said, "My pastor is adopting from China!"  When we asked her where she went to church and she replied that she went to Lifepoint, we told her that that was where we had heard about our little girl for the first time.  She said, "Oh, y'all are them!"  It made me smile--God has definitely worked in this story! Papa walked us upstairs and prayed with us before we went through security.  We had just enough time to grab some breakfast and get on the plane.

The trip to Detroit was easy--except that was when Kinley started getting nervous.  She did great though, and we arrived in snowy Detroit right on schedule and with plenty of time to walk around and grab one final meal at our favorite stand-by Chick-fil-a before boarding the plane.

Kinley had worked out her nerves and was excited on the plane to Beijing.  We had a small delay because when they counted the luggage before takeoff the count was off.  We finally got to take off!  We realized that 14+ hours on a plane is a LONG time!  We watched some movies, Zeke and I caught up on The Big Bang Theory and Fixer Upper, we ate some mediocre airplane food, and took a few really short naps which really didn't amount to much sleep.  When we finally touched down in Beijing, we were more than ready to stretch our legs and walk around.  We made it through immigration and were approved to enter the country (thank goodness!).  However, that was about the time I turned airplane mode off on my phone, and we had a text from Lifeline that said it looked like our third flight, from Beijing to Guangzhou, had been cancelled.  We kept following signs to go through security, hoping that we could get something worked out.  We didn't tell Kinley, who wasn't feeling well from exhaustion and not really eating, and was getting nervous again at all of the signs she couldn't read and people she couldn't understand.  When we got to the security checkpoint to be able to transfer to another flight, we got stuck.  We had a camera and a battery pack in our backpacks.  For some reason, they had to be taken out, walked across a huge carpet, and handed back to us.  I still don't really understand what happened, but they let us keep them and keep going, so we just shrugged and kept walking!

We followed the herd and found the ticket gate for China Southern.  I walked up and asked them about our cancelled flight and they told me there was another flight at 7:30, and to walk around the corner and turn right and they would change it.  We walked around the corner and to the right, waited in a long line of people checking bags, and finally were told we had to go to the ticket counter to change our ticket.  I told her that we had just done that, but she told me to go back.  So...back we went.  Thankfully, the guy who told us to go there in the first place took our boarding passes and walked us back over and went behind the counter (no waiting in line again!) and had them fix it and check our luggage.  Whew.  One more time through security, and we were on our way to our gate.

We got to our gate around 5:30 and knew we would board at 6:45.  We were all a little bit hungry and Kinley and I kept seeing McDonald's bags, so we walked around until we found it and grabbed a snack for all of us.  We spent the rest of our wait trying not to go to sleep.

The final plane was very nice--probably the newest plane we were on.  We were in the middle row, so we all got to sit together.  Kinley was nervous again and this time we were the only Americans on the flight--pilots and crew included--but thankfully, the exhaustion took over and she slept most of the flight.  She woke up for essential oils and crashed again.  This flight had the most turbulence of the three, and there were several people using the little bags by the time the flight ended.  If you know me, you know Kinley and I had our fingers in our ears so we wouldn't join them!

After we picked up our checked baggage (THANK YOU GOD that it all made it with us!), we met our guide, Aron.  That little green sign that said "Lifeline Children's Services" really let me take a deep breath!  It was nice to have someone direct us the rest of the way.  When she saw our luggage she asked us, "Is this all you have?  You packed light!"  I couldn't decide whether to laugh (because I wasn't sure I could fit everything we had into our suitcases before we left) or worry (that I didn't bring enough!).  We headed up to the car that was waiting for us and began the 30 minute drive to our hotel.

We had heard so much about The Garden Hotel, and it did not disappoint!  This hotel is AMAZING.  We are so happy to be here for two weeks!  Aron checked us in and came to our room with us to make sure we had everything we needed.  The crib sitting in our room made my heart skip a beat! It really started to seem real that we are here and will soon have a sweet baby girl in this room with us.  We can't wait!  After she left we decided to hold off on anything other than sleep until tomorrow.  We changed clothes, washed our faces and brushed our teeth, and crashed.  It was almost 1 a.m. in Guangzhou, or 11 a.m. at home.  30 hours of travel with very little sleep caught up with us quickly!

A Letter to Our Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends,

If you've been following along with our adoption, you know that we have less than two weeks until we will hold our sweet girl in our arms!  Yay God!  Although it has been a long journey to get to this point--our application was submitted in July 2015--these past three months have been a whirlwind of activity.  We have learned to hurry up and wait with the best of them.  We are in awe of the mountains that God has moved to take care of our girl--His girl--and we can't wait to get her home.  However, we know from research, our adoption education through our agency, and watching other sweet adoption journeys, that although we may feel like we are at the finish line, our journey is just beginning.

We don't know what life will look like in two weeks, or two months.  We do know that this will be a season of adjustment for our family.  In many ways, we will still be raising our new little one much like we have raised our other sweet babies--loving unconditionally and seeking to bring her up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."  But there will be a few initial differences from the way we have parented in the past.  And because YOU have taken so much time to support our family--to encourage us, pray for us, and support us--we wanted to share with that with you.  We hope that sharing this will best equip everyone around us to lay a strong foundation for our girl emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

God's design for families is PERFECT and beautiful--a picture of His relationship with us.  Attachment between a parent and child naturally occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need.  The parent meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats over and over to create trust.  By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect the rest of their lives--their learning, brain development, growth, and future relationships.  Security provided by parents will give children a trust for and empathy towards others.

Children who come to their families through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process.

Maybe the best way to describe what is happening in Judy Lin's little life right now is with a story from when Kinley was little.  It's one of the first times that, through parenting, I saw myself as God sees me.  If this doesn't make sense at first, hang in there...maybe it will at the end.

Kinley was about 7 months old.  We lived in our old house, and she and I were playing in the floor.  She was at one end of the hallway and had something in her hand.  I can't remember what it was, but I remember that it was one of those "things" turned toys that all babies love to grab--a stick, or a straw, or something.  She couldn't crawl if she was holding anything in her hand.  I was at the other end of the hallway, and although she didn't know it, I had a new toy.  I kept asking her to come towards me, but she couldn't make it unless she put down what she was holding.  Because she was holding something, she thought it was enough.  She didn't realize that what I had for her was better--what she would really want--because she wouldn't put down what she had.  When I took what she had away, she cried--until she realized that what I had was what she wanted all along.  

Fast forward 11 years.  Here we are at the end of the hallway.  Our girl is at the "other end of the hallway," in China.  She is holding on to what she knows--life in a group setting with multiple caregivers--because it is what she has and all that she knows.  And when we come to get her, she won't know that what we have--a home, a family, identity forever as a daughter--is better for her than what she is holding on to, because she is holding on to something.  When we take what she has away, she will likely at first feel--on a much larger scale--much like Kinley did.  Even though what we are giving her is, in the long run, better, it may not feel that way to her immediately.

Judy Lin has experienced the loss of her biological parents already, and will soon experience the loss of familiar and loving caretakers as well as the sights, sounds, and language of her birth country.  When she comes home, EVERYTHING around her will be new.  Imagine your first few days in a new country.  It looks different, sounds different, tastes different, smells different.  It may be overwhelming for her!  She will need time to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family.  Although she has had loving caregivers at the Foster Center, she has not experienced God's sweet design for a family.  She may struggle with feeling safe and secure and she may not trust that we will meet her needs.  The good news is that we can now, as her parents, rebuild that bond and attachment, and help her heal.

So, what does this look like for us?  After much prayer, research, stories from adoptive parents who have gone before us, and at the advice of our adoption agency, we will be doing what is called "cocooning" when we bring Judy Lin home.  We will mostly be staying at home.  We will limit our time out and we will be limiting visitors in. By keeping our lives very small, routine, and predictable at first, we'll be helping our girl feel safe.  We will also be the ones to hold, snuggle, soothe, feed, change, and take care of her.  Hopefully, as this cycle repeats, she will learn that we are trustworthy and that sweet, strong bond will form.  I know you are all ready to hug, kiss, and help spoil her--who doesn't want to get their hands on those cheeks?!?!--but it is recommended that we be the only ones to do that at first to improve her chances of attaching strongly to us.  Until we feel that she clearly knows that we are her parents, we will need to take care of things for her.  As strange as it may seem, adopted children who act very outgoing and affectionate with strangers is not necessarily a healthy thing.  Orphans often have so many caretakers that, as a survival mechanism, they become overly charming to all adults.  This is called "indiscriminate affection" and can mean that they haven't really attached to anyone.  We want her to reach for us and look to us for security--that means she knows that we are her people!  We have also been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently, which may make it appear that she is truly being "spoiled."  She may show her grief and confusion in many ways, and we are prepared to help her through it and prove that we are here for her--we are her forever family and we aren't going anywhere.  

We don't know how long this period will be.  We will let Judy Lin take the lead and show us what she needs.  As we know from parenting our bio babies, all children are unique and have different needs, so what has worked for other children may look different for us.  We are dedicated and committed to doing whatever is necessary to help her heal and adjust.  Many people think that because she is so young, she won't be impacted as much, and this could be true.  However, we are erring on the side of caution and planning that she will grieve tremendously for all that she will lose.  This will best prepare us to meet her needs.  And it is our ultimate hope that, through meeting her needs and teaching her to trust us, she will one day be able to trust Jesus in the same way.

We do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God is in control!  He is her faithful Father, and He has been working overtime for this little girl, fighting on her behalf.  He makes all things beautiful in His time (Ecc. 3:11).  This is no different.  We are hopeful that things will smooth out quickly and that our sweet girl will realize--just like Kinley realized in that hallway--that the prize is at the end and that we are what she didn't know she wanted all along.  And we will be back to a new "normal" schedule soon!

We are so grateful for your understanding--and we understand if this sounds a little crazy.  This is new and uncharted territory for us too!  Please feel free to ask us any questions at any time.  We are learning too, and we are grateful that you are seeking with us to make Judy Lin feel loved, safe, secure, and home.  We know that it takes a village, and we think that we have the BEST village for our new little girl to join.  We are blessed by your love, your support, your prayers, and your presence in the life of our family, and we can't wait for you to meet her!

Oh--and speaking of meeting her...we would be so excited to see anyone who can make it to the airport when we get home!  Our homecoming is late and on a school night, so we know that might impact your plans, but after traveling for over 26 hours we are scheduled to arrive at Huntsville International Airport on February 16 at 9:46pm.  We would be so grateful if you would allow us to greet Case and Camp first before visiting with the rest of our family and friends.  Please keep in mind that Judy Lin may be completely overwhelmed at this point.  But PLEASE hug and talk with Zeke, Kinley, and me after we arrive!  Extra attention for big brothers will also be great!  We already can't wait to be home!

Lots of love,
Zeke and Lisa

"If it seems we are crazy, it is to bring glory to God." 2 Cor. 5:13 NLT

**And...here is a more satirical take on the above REALLY LONG POST that I had a TERRIBLE TIME writing.  Bless you if you read it all.  I found this from a blog that found it from another blog, and it makes me laugh--and cry--every time.  #thosehashtags #truth

An Open Letter to Anyone We Might Encounter Post Adoption:

In a little over a week, we will finally be traveling to China to pick up our child. Here are a few things I’d like our family and friends to know beforehand. (And YES, I’ll probably be seriously tempted to pass this letter out among complete strangers as well.) 

#1 We will be traveling from Huntsville to China, through the entire country of China, and then back to Huntsville. This will include several NIGHT and DAY time changes. We will be a #HotMess. Thank you for understanding! #WeNeedGrace #LotsOfIt

#2 Our new daughter will not feel lucky. In fact, for her, this will most closely resemble a kidnapping. We are ripping her away from everything and everyone she has ever known. This will be incredibly traumatic. It will be worth it. 

#3 Trauma is expressed in different ways. My child may appear distant, hyper, angry, autistic, overly friendly or perhaps, perfectly fine. The child you see now will not be the child you see in a few weeks, a few months, or a few years…

#4 She will grieve. My heart already aches for her and this part of the process. 

#5 We will wonder “what were we thinking” at least once during our pick up trip. Our friends and family are all lined up for this.  “Adoption isn’t something you do alone.” -Joleigh Nicole #ittakesavillage

#6 We might not connect right away. #FakeItTilYaMakeIt

#7 Our first goal is attachment, not discipline. #Redirecting

#8 Hugs & Kisses: They may be legitimately terrified of you, please be respectful of their boundaries. 

#9 Establishing family is important: for the first few months we will be entering what is known to the adoptive world as cocooning. Basically, we will be limiting visitors and becoming temporary homebodies. #Weirdos

#10 Another big part of establishing family means that: we’d prefer (for a little while) that only Mama and Daddy meet their needs for: food, comfort, etc. 

#11 Our new daughter is biologically 1 year old.  However, she has grown up in an institution and will be “delayed.” This is normal; we are OK with it, and you can be too. 

#12 Speaking of delayed…we also plan on “regressing,” as much as she will allow. This will look really odd to the rest of the world; however, regressing allows children to experience all of the stages of development they missed. FYI: We may use a bottle, spoon feed, rock her to sleep, co-sleep, play with infant toys etc.

#13 Our main goal for the year is attaching, connecting and learning some English. I don’t know when she might catch up, and frankly, it doesn’t matter. She will get there when she gets there. 

#14 With that in mind, our daughter may look different than yours for several years. Please remember, their journey is unique. (And thank you for being a part of it!)

“I always questioned if I was ready to adopt, and then I realized that no child was ready to be an orphan.” -Unknown

Signed,

Mama Bear

The Paul Harvey Update

So...here's the Paul Harvey update, also known as the "rest of the story."  Or, at the very least, as much of the "rest of the story" as we know right now!

On Monday, December 5, we said YES to our sweet girl's file.  We had to sign a Letter of Intent and provide China with a Care Plan (thank goodness for Lifeline's template!) that would be sent to them in order for them to approve us to adopt.  I printed everything and brought it home for Zeke to sign, and we sent it to Lifeline first thing Tuesday morning.  We were told to expect pre-approval, or PA, within a few days.  On Wednesday, right after telling my sweet kiddos at school that things had kind of settled down and so I would NOT be jumping to answer the phone anymore, my phone rang with that sweet Lifeline number showing!  I answered and, to my surprise, we had received pre-approval OVERNIGHT!  The key part of receiving PA was that we could share our sweet girl with everyone, so you know what that meant: FACEBOOK POST!  It was so much fun to finally be able to post her picture and share our excitement.

Our next step was to wait for our Letter of Approval, or LOA.  It was tied to our PA, so no additional paperwork was needed at this point.  We were told it should be a couple of weeks before we received that and 4-5 months before we could travel to get her, so we settled in to wait again.  However, on Thursday, December 8, one day after receiving PA, that sweet Lifeline number popped up on my phone again!  I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, and started writing what our social worker said.  The first words were, "Well, I'm calling about Sophie--we kind of have a cool situation."  My notes actually say "Sophie--cool situation."  Haha.  At this point, I'm wondering what in the world God is up to this time.  She then said that China really likes to fix their own heart issues.  I'm pretty sure that's when my heart stopped.  I was thinking how in the world could we travel to China for her surgery and how long would it take for her to recover and will we have to go back to adopt her or could that be considered our adoption trip and are Chinese doctors good at fixing hearts and blah blah blah blah blah.  So, typically the type of surgery that she needs should be done within the first year of life, but because of how sick she had been early on, she had not yet had surgery.  Since she had just turned one and by all accounts was doing well and still getting stronger, the orphanage wanted to begin making plans for her surgery.  But then they found out that she had a family coming for her.  That's us!  She said that China is very respectful of the family and wanted to make sure that we had the chance to make those kinds of decisions for her and be with her when she did have surgery.  So...they offered to EXPEDITE her paperwork so that we could travel sooner and bring her home for surgery here!  I'm pretty sure that was when my heart stopped again!  Of course my first question was about a specific timeline, and she said that all she could tell us was that it would be "shorter."  Yikes!  My emotions were all over the place.  Of course I was super excited to go get my baby, because obviously the sooner the better, but again, planner girl was trying to press the reset button!  All of my plans--for travel, work, childcare, funding--and expectations of how I *thought* this might happen were going down the drain...quickly...in the best way.  Again--TRUST.

In order to expedite her paperwork, we had lots of paperwork to do in a short amount of time.  China was actually the country who offered to expedite, but the United States had to agree, so we needed a letter from the doctors at UAB to confirm that it was medically necessary to move things along faster.  Their letter made me cry--it is scary to hear her condition detailed, but awesome to hear that a team of amazing doctors is "on standby waiting for her arrival." Once we received that, we could submit her immigration paperwork although we didn't yet have the LOA--the medical letter would take its place until it arrived.  Our I800 was mailed on Tuesday, December 13.  We received our LOA on Friday, December 16--the coolest Chinese document that we have received (even with the extra "signature" Camp added to it when he was looking for drawing paper!)--and it was sent to USCIS to meet our I800 application.

The typical timeframe for the I800 paperwork is 4 weeks, and we were so hoping that USCIS would grant the expedite and it would be faster!  However, the holidays have impacted us and we are still waiting for this approval.  Just this week we got a receipt in the mail that shows it was received on December 14, and I'm stalking my mail lady every day for another envelope from them!  There are still two more big steps before we can travel--Article 5, which typically takes 2-3 weeks but can be expedited, and Travel Approval, which usually takes 1-2 weeks but can be expedited.

The next big hiccup in our process is Chinese New Year.  This year, Chinese New Year is January 28.  Everything in China (government offices, etc.) will close for a week during this time, so the last "Gotcha Day" in January will be January 16.  We were really hoping for this day, but without our I800 approval, we will probably be looking at traveling at the beginning of February instead.  While any delay is hard, if there is one thing that we have learned during this process, it is that God is in control and He is more concerned about the details than I could ever be.  He has a reason and a purpose in allowing things to happen in this timeframe.  I may not see it now, but I can trust Him--even when it is hard not to jump on the next plane bound for China and just make my own way!

We are trying to use our time wisely--to love on our babies that we have here, to get our house ready, and to do fundraisers which not only help us financially but help make us feel like we are doing something.  But I will say it's kind of like the end of a pregnancy, when people tell you to enjoy that last little bit of sleeping/eating/sitting/etc because soon things will be different.  Yes, we know that we should be doing all of that right now and not wishing this time to pass faster, but part of our heart is in China and we can't rest well until she is here.  So we continue to pray for the hands that touch our paperwork and our mail and our endless USPS overnight envelopes--that they will feel urgency and be blessed in their work as they process our documents EXTRA FAST. Because there's an empty spot in our hearts and in our house and in our arms, and the only thing that can fill it now is THIS sweet face:

(Maybe we should've sent a picture with all of that paperwork?!?!)

We are so crazy grateful for your prayers and your support.  We couldn't do this without all of you, and we can't wait to share her with you and for her to feel how very much she is already loved.

Adoption Update: Raising our Ebenezer, Part Two

If you missed Part One of Judy Lin's story, you can find it here.  Or, I can just give you the cliff notes (also known as the way Zeke would tell this story).  We heard about a little girl, kind of asked for her file, found out she had some medical conditions we weren't sure about, and couldn't decide what to do.  So here we are :)

Saturday morning I woke up with swollen eyes and a heavy heart.  We didn't really talk about her all day, but waited until the babies were winding down and getting ready for bed.  Zeke was on the laptop, and all of a sudden he started talking about chromosomes.  He was researching again!  I was inspired so I started googling things too.  I somehow found some kind of society for genetic counselors, and realized that there was an office in Huntsville.  I immediately--without any hesitation--started emailing files to a geneticist in Huntsville.  We were desperate!  We decided to try to talk to them before we had to make a decision on Monday.  

Sometime in the middle of a sleepless night Saturday night, I was googling Suixi orphanages.  It seemed that my Lifeline China page had suddenly been full of posts about Suixi, and I wanted to see pictures and get more information.  I found a blog about visiting Suixi, and remembered that Lifeline had a blog too.  When I googled "Lifeline blog," and clicked on the link, there was our girl!  The story that came up said "Sophie's Story."  My heart stopped!  I had to wake Zeke up to make him see it too.  Her story broke our hearts, but what a sweet little blog star!  I couldn't quit looking at her picture.

On Monday, I called the number I had found online for the genetic counselor but got her voicemail.  I left a message and kept waiting, hoping I would see a 256 number pop up before that 205 number called for our decision, but it didn't happen!  Our social worker called before I was ready to give an answer.  I shared what we had learned from the IAC with her and told her that we couldn't really say yes or no at that point, but we had been hoping to get more information from the genetic counselors. I assumed that our indecision would be taken as a no, but she said that since we had contacted people and they had not replied, we could have another week to consider her file!  I was amazed!  I didn't even know that was an option.  I did discuss with her that we had seen "Sophie" online and didn't want to block her from being considered by another family if someone saw her and called.  She told me that she had been on hold for our family since Day One (!), but that their priority was to advocate for her and so if anyone called they would create a pool of interested families to contact after we had made a decision.  Win-win for everyone.  Strangely, although we weren't any closer to making a decision than we had been before the phone call, I felt relieved when I hung up.  It almost felt like she had been given back to me, and I kind of liked that feeling.

On Tuesday, I gave up waiting for a phone call and called the office of the genetic counselors.  I spoke to their administrator, who was super nice (and an adoptive mom herself!) but who was really concerned about HIPAA and whether she could give out any information.  She called back and asked more questions later in the day, and made plans to call our social worker and get the ok to investigate further.  I felt like things were happening, so I was content to let them work on it for a bit and wait.  Other than praying for peace and clarity (and maybe checking out some baby girl clothes online!), we kind of tried not to think about things for a couple of days.

On Wednesday, I realized that EVERYTHING that I had written on my calendar for Monday and Tuesday either didn't happen or got changed.  Yes, I know that shouldn't be a big deal.  But to Type A planner-girl, crossing out that writing two days in a row made me twitch.  I wrote underneath it, "The best-laid plans of mice and men...God, what are you teaching us?"  I'm pretty sure He laughed.

Thursday was December 1.  Our sweet girl's birthday!  Halfway around the world, a little girl in a Foster Center was turning one.  When I walked into school, there was a gift hanging on my door.  My sweet next-door neighbor-friend had left me a card and a sweet plaque that said, "Celebrate every tiny victory."  I loved it and put it on my computer.  Every time I looked at it, I wondered if "Sophie" might be opening a gift or celebrating in China.  I thought about her all day!  That afternoon, a friend at school asked me about our girl.  I told her everything--what we knew, what we didn't know, and why we were afraid to say yes.  When I finished, I remember thinking, "That didn't sound so bad!" It was the first time that thought had crossed my mind since the phone call from the IAC, and it felt good!  Then, I decided on a whim to deliver one of our adoption shirts to a sweet friend who has also adopted from China.  I was only about three weeks late in delivering at that point, so the timing was "random."  Without sharing too much of her story, while we were talking she asked for an update and when I started to tell her what we had found, she understood completely.  It was the strangest and most comforting "coincidence" we had experienced at that point, and I started to feel a glimmer of hope that we really could make this work.  I began to feel like she was our sweet girl again, and although I didn't realize it then, God had started to whisper.

On Friday, we still hadn't heard from the genetic counselors.  We only had the weekend left, and then decision time was looming.  Yep--time for me to curl into the fetal position again.  I woke up early and had a great quiet time before school, during which I reminded God that we had 72 hours to make a decision (as if He didn't know).  I just really wanted HIS answer, and I wanted it to be clear!  

At lunch, I called the genetic counselors' office in Huntsville, and the administrator informed me that she had spoken to our social worker and that she was going to call us and refer us back to UAB.  Our social worker thought that the administrator was calling.  So...no one had called.  Womp womp.  We actually discussed driving to UAB and just sitting in an office until someone could talk to us, either that day or on Monday, or maybe even calling the IAC again over the weekend to try to get more information.  I actually wasn't even frustrated, because by this point, we really knew deep down that even if they could tell us that the medical report was correct, they couldn't tell us what that would mean for her future.  It just became a question of whether we would take the leap of faith.  After my conversations on Thursday, I was really feeling like she was our girl, but I thought that Zeke was leaning towards no.  We had already discussed it and knew that if both of us weren't 100% sure, we couldn't say yes.  Potentially walking into more intense special needs than we had anticipated meant that neither of us could ever have the opportunity to look back and question the other's role in our decision.  I had asked several close friends to pray that either God would give me a very loud "NO" or give Zeke a very loud "YES" over the next two days, and Courtney had prayed that morning that God would be so clear that she told me not to be afraid when He spoke aloud.  At that point, I was HOPING for that loud voice and writing on the wall!  I talked to our social worker again that afternoon and asked for her advice.  She  reassured me that if we said no, it was of no consequence to our family, and that our strength was knowing our family's capacity and being able to do what we knew was best for us.  She promised to pray with us over the weekend.  I felt better after I hung up with her and promised to talk to her again on Monday.  

Friday night, I started getting out Christmas decorations.  We were hosting our Sunday School Christmas party on Sunday, and had nothing done!  I started making a really big mess.  Around 7pm, I clicked on Facebook, and saw this picture:

My heart stopped, and I read the update and clicked the link.  Lifeline had added a video of the Foster Center Director talking about her, and it was fun to watch that and see what she had to say.  I kept decorating, and clicked on Facebook again around 1am.  There was a post in the Lifeline China group by another adoptive mom who had received PA for her sweet baby that day, FROM SUIXI.  She was asking if anyone was going to Suixi soon so that she could send some gifts.  I started reading the comments, and there were two ladies who said that they had seen her baby and could talk to her, because it was often helpful to be able to talk to someone who had actually laid eyes on your baby.  My heart started pounding, and I couldn't help it: I hijacked her Facebook post!  I posted that I was also a Lifeline mom with a file of a sweet girl from Suixi who needed more information by Monday, and asked both of these ladies to check their Facebook messages.  I sent two quick messages asking if they knew our baby and if they could give me more information about her.  I woke Zeke up to share what I had found with him.  We had said during the whole decision making process that if we couldn't just fly to China and see her and hold her ourselves to see how she was doing, we would love to talk to someone else who had seen her and held her and knew what she was like.  Here was our opportunity!  I sent friend requests so that maybe they would see the messages that I sent, and I finally went to bed a little after 2, exhausted yet excited.  God was getting louder.

I woke up Saturday morning and checked my messages.  Nothing yet.  I checked my email.  I saw this:

Really?  There she is again!  Apparently our girl IS a rockstar :)  A few minutes later, I received a message from one of the ladies that I had contacted.  She said that I could email her anytime!  That could have been the wrong thing to say, because I took her up on it.  She also said that she had been praying for her family since the first day she held her, and that she was easy to fall in love with.  I felt triumphant.  Ha! I knew it!  She is precious!  I sent an email introducing us and asking for information, and waited.  I ran some errands, had a great conversation with my mom about our decision, and headed back home.  I had been texting Courtney about all of these little coincidences all day, and she asked me that afternoon if I had heard anything yet.  I had just checked my email so I said no, then immediately refreshed my email, and there it was!  Of course, our new Lifeline friend didn't have a crystal ball, but she was able to say this:

What I will tell you though is she is a sweet, lovable little girl who has come a long way since the day I stood over her crib and looked down at her at Suixi.

Oh, my heart.  I needed to know that.  I needed to hear someone talk about her like she was a real person and not a medical file with scary words and lots of question marks.  I needed to know that she was a prize.  I needed to see her through the eyes of someone who loves her, and through a series of emails that she was so gracious to send on a Saturday, I saw that.  My heart gave in and I loved her too--without reservation.  I read and replied and forwarded emails, and Zeke and I laughed at some of the little stories that were shared.  Finally, he said, "Where are you?"  I just turned it around and said, "Where are YOU?" He said, "I'm about ready to just give this story to God and see what He does with it." I immediately started crying and said, "Me too!" It was the most amazing feeling of surrender and relief.  We curled up in the recliner together (he said he felt like he was holding Buddy the Elf.  Ha.) and prayed and thanked God for what He was doing in our lives and for choosing us to be Judy Lin's parents.  We felt incredibly honored and grateful.  And relieved.  All of that potentially scary stuff somehow melted away once we called her daughter.  Whatever comes, she is ours, and from now on we will all handle it together.  

When I shared with Zeke that I thought he was going to say no, he showed me what he had been working on while I was gone.  He was trying to figure out how to space out SIX stockings on our mantle and make it look right.  The proof?  He had six little hooks sitting on the mantle.  I had to take a picture.

At this point, we shared with our family and close friends that we were ready to say yes to our girl!  We really wanted to shout it from the rooftops but had to contain it until we officially said yes and China officially accepted us.  On Sunday, I thought of one more question for our new friend at Lifeline and sent a final email.  She replied, and I was able to tell her that we were saying yes on Monday morning.  This time, her reply was my favorite:

To add to her story...I carried her out of the orphanage that day in April, took her to the hospital held her while they examined her and held her as they did x-rays and just held her whenever I could while we were there. I will never forget my time with her and I hope one day we can sit down and share stories. At that time in April I was praying she would survive. Then as she started thriving my prayers turned into prayers that she would she have a mama and that she would live in Alabama. :-) This sweet girl stole my heart! And I am thrilled that she will be in Alabama!!!

I felt like it was confirmation that our girl was meant to be ours.  I emailed our social worker and let her know to expect our phone call on Monday morning!  Finally, Monday afternoon, December 5, we officially said YES to our sweet girl.  We don't know what the future holds for her, but for that matter, we don't know what the future holds for any of us.  We just know for certain that by the time we said yes on that rainy Saturday afternoon, it felt like God was shouting at us through "coincidences" and feelings and conversations.  We know how it felt to say that yes and feel the peace that we had made the right decision.  And we know that looking back, there are even more coincidences--when she was in the hospital in April, fighting for her life, I had written on my calendar that "My heart is heavy for China today."  I was praying for Judy Lin without even knowing what to pray.  On our anniversary, she was having bloodwork done so that she could have a file created that would get her to us.  And on the day that I was randomly spontaneous and outspoken, so was Mr. Newell, who, in his owns words, typically doesn't mention specific children to waiting families.  

We are blessed and honored that we were chosen for her and she was chosen for us.  We cannot WAIT to go to China and bring our girl home.  More than anything, we want her story to be seen as His story.  We believe now, more than ever, that things don't happen by chance.  Yes, we could have adopted any one of the 153 million orphans in the world.  It would have been what we are called to do and it would have been amazing, but HE placed HER with US.  He does SET the lonely in families.  (Psalm 68:6)  This is not random; it's not an accident or a fluke.  He has had plans for our sweet Judy Lin since before the Earth was formed, and we are so excited to have a front-row seat to watch it all unfold.

So without further ado, we would like to introduce to you our daughter, Judy Lin Terry. 

Adoption Update: Raising our Ebenezer, Part One

Before we forget all of the tiny details that led us to saying YES to our girl, I want to raise our Ebenezer--to write down everything so that one day, when Judy Lin asks how she came to be a part of our family, I can tell her that, without a shadow of a doubt, God placed her here.  There may be nothing else that we are sure of at this point, but we are certain of that.  This is her story.

**Edited:  This is the FIRST part of her story.  I'm too wordy.

On November 11 and 12, Zeke and I went to Birmingham for Crossings training with Lifeline.  That weekend, we were privileged to meet Gabe and Melissa Ross in person.  They shared with us that Herbie Newell, the director of Lifeline, would be speaking at Lifepoint on Sunday for Orphan Sunday, and they invited us to join them.  We had missed the two previous Sundays at Trinity because of gymnastics meets, so we discussed it but decided not to go.

Sunday morning, I woke up overwhelmed.  Why is it that Sundays can be the stinkiest days of the week?  After being gone all weekend, Monday was looming almost from the time my eyes opened, and all I could see was my to-do list.  We decided to go to small groups at Trinity and then head to the grocery store to start checking things off the list ASAP.  When Sunday School was over, I looked at Zeke and in an uncharacteristic moment of spontaneity said, "Let's just get the kids and head to Lifepoint.  Want to?"  If you know Zeke, you know he thrives on spur of the moment, so off we went.

Herbie Newell didn't just speak.  He preached.  He had just returned from a trip to China on Friday, but jet lag didn't seem to have kicked in; I was scribbling furiously, trying to keep up.  At one point, he told the story of visiting an orphanage in Suixi.  He said that the two things that you noticed when you arrived were the stench from babies lying in their own waste, and the silence.  With 150 babies crammed into a tiny space, you could still hear a pin drop.  The babies had realized that no one was responding to them, so they had quit crying.  However, a baby had been dropped off on the orphanage steps just a couple of days earlier, and was crying loudly.  His words haunted me: "That baby had not yet learned the secret of Suixi."  I sat for a few minutes, and then wrote a note to Zeke on the back of my sermon notes: "So can we ask him for that crying baby at Swayshe?"  He just raised an eyebrow and kept listening.

After the service, we spoke to the Newell family (who sat right in front of us), and mentioned that we were a Lifeline China family.  Herbie asked where we were in our process, and I said, "We are just waiting to be matched.  So...if there's a little crying girl in an orphanage in Suixi, we are available!" (It was a weird day.  I was spontaneous and overly outspoken, all within a couple of hours.)  He asked us for our age parameters, and asked about our special needs considerations.  I started talking about what boxes we had checked (ha!), and he said, "Heart condition?"  I looked at Zeke, and we both nodded.  He said something along the lines of, "That's all I can say right now," and I honestly can't remember how the rest of the conversation went or how it ended.  My brain was in a fog and my stomach was in knots!

We got back to the car and I looked at Zeke and said, "Did we just ask for our baby girl?"  He said, "I'm not sure, but it really feels like something happened!"  We couldn't shake the feeling that something was going on.  We went to lunch, I ate less than half of mine, and Zeke ate both his and mine.  It's how we cope.  Ha.

That evening, after a day of nerves and an entire to-do list derailed by one conversation, I emailed our social worker to tell her about the conversation.  I also may or may not have called on Monday to repeat the story and reiterate to her that, no matter what our paperwork said, we were ok with a heart condition, especially if it belonged to one crying little girl from Suixi.  I felt a little crazy, but I did want her to have a heads-up in case she heard anything about it on her end ;).  She told me that most of that team that had just returned from China wasn't in yet, but if she found out anything, she would let us know.  We were a bit deflated because we had both just felt like something was happening.  Nothing had really changed for us in the process, so we just prayed for that little girl in Suixi and kept waiting.

On Wednesday afternoon, my phone rang.  My sweet class knew that I was waiting on an adoption call and would answer any 205 area codes that popped up.  When I saw the Lifeline number, my heart started pounding.  The first words our social worker said were, "Lisa, this is kind of crazy, but I have a file for your family to review.  It's the little girl that Herbie was talking about Sunday...that little crying baby from Suixi."  Um, yes God?  WOW.  She emailed the file, but Kinley had a dentist appointment that day and I had already shut down my computer.  I couldn't look at much of it from my phone.  I skimmed over the medical info, but really the only thing I focused on was this picture:

I was immediately smitten with that smile!  Zeke and I talked for a minute, I picked Kinley up and showed it to her, and called my parents.  We all agreed that she was precious and that she really looked like a Judy Lin, and I started trying to forward her file to our pediatrician.  When I got to the dentist office, I noticed that she had genetic testing done.  I saw things about chromosomes and some ??? (the file had been translated from Chinese and apparently it didn't all translate) and my heart stopped.  Of course, Dr. Google is not much help when you are a panicked mom holding a baby, much less to a panicked mom who hasn't even physically laid eyes on a baby who is halfway across the world!  So, for the rest of the night, we did some research and looked at the many pictures that came with her file.  

The next day I spoke to our social worker.  "Sophie," as her file was named, was referred to us as a baby with CHD, but at this point we were most unsure about the genetic testing.  Our family was given until the Monday after Thanksgiving--an extended time period due to the holiday--to make a decision about moving forward with adoption.  I called the International Adoption Clinic at UAB to have her file reviewed, and settled in to wait again.  We looked at pictures, repeatedly consulted Dr. Google, called friends and asked for favors from geneticists, and prayed for this sweet girl and our decision.

On Friday, I still had not heard from the IAC or the pediatrician.  I called again, and apparently none of the files I had sent to any doctors went through because of their size.  I resent everything, and began a 3-day wait for their analysis. All day, I had this picture on my computer, and her little eyes seemed to look straight into me.  

By Friday afternoon, I was almost ready to throw caution to the wind and call the adoption agency and just say yes.  

My Friday night plans included a hair appointment and CrossFit.  I made it to the gym early, and my phone rang in the car as I pulled in to the parking lot.  No three-day wait necessary!  It was the IAC with information about our file, so I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled notes down as the doctor talked.  The heart condition, Tetralogy of fallot, seemed pretty textbook and a relatively easy fix.  One (OPEN-HEART!) surgery, and she should be ok there.  The unknown is the genetic testing.  She went through some scenarios of what it could mean, and encouraged us to go back to the parameters that we had set for ourselves at the outset of our adoption journey--before we saw any photos or video of this precious girl that might sway our opinion about what we thought our family could handle.  It was great advice, but my heart was broken.  I couldn't even call Zeke.  The information that I had been given was more than I thought we could handle--definitely more than we had planned for.  I walked in to the gym, and when friends asked for an update and if I had heard from any of the doctors, I broke down.  I was going to call Zeke and discuss it with him, but decided to just wait until after class. I knew he was falling in love with that little face already and I just didn't want to share.  When I did call him, we were both upset.  We agreed to just keep praying and see what our pediatrician said, but I couldn't keep from feeling that it was over.  I sat on the couch and ugly cried that night for almost an hour after our kiddos went to sleep.  Just hours earlier, I was ready to say yes to this little girl, and with one 15-minute phone call, I felt like someone had taken her from me.  It wasn't a fun night.

Over the course of the next week, we tried to convince ourselves that saying no would be ok, and sweet friends and family reminded us that they would think no less of us and that it would be ok either way.  We heard from our pediatrician, who restated the uncertainty of her medical file.  We kept praying, but were probably leaning towards saying no.  The closer we got to our deadline, the more I began to find my normal comfort zone with decision-making: I like to just curl up into a little ball and wait until the decision-making time has passed, because usually at some point a natural conclusion occurs and I don't have to actively make a decision.  Unfortunately for me, this situation wouldn't resolve that way.  I was going to have to give someone a yes or a no, like it or not.    

Part Two to come soon!